New Draft

I listen to podcasts all day. I love the true crime ones, the “Dear Abby” kinds, psychological thrillers, and the sermons. I was listening to one the other day, a sermon, and the pastor was quoting the news media. The headline read, “A Revival is Coming to Town,” but the pastor said, “I think they have that wrong. I think the revival is ALREADY HERE!!!” (And everyone cheered and shouted, “Amen!”.)

But I thought to myself, Why does everyone argue with everything?!?!

i-disagree-with-youHave you ever seen those recipe videos on Facebook? They’re all like 2 minutes long (and mostly made of vegetables covered in differently melted cheeses). Read the comments. Almost 90% of the comments are people discussing how they hands in the video look, or how it’s not “healthy”, or whether or not they can get that kind of cheese in their local store. Why can’t you just let a video about cheesey zucchini have it’s place in the world?

Or youtube tutorials. I searched, “Eye makeup tutorial” the other day because I’m 35-years-old and I have no idea how to properly apply eye makeup. I watched a decent little 5 minute clip and then read through the comments. If the poor woman in the video hasn’t committed herself I would be surprised…

Lord have mercy on your soul if you read any and all political comments on news websites.

There is a NEED to have a differing opinion in the world right now. Everyone must FIRST disagree before they even considering listening, let alone agreeing. Even a pastor must start a sermon by disagreeing with something.

And that right there is why I stopped blogging.

If a pastor has something negative to say before he even starts sharing the word of God, what does Joe Shmoe who reads my blog have to say?

I can’t tell you how many drafts are sitting in the queue of my blog, half-finished thoughts. Sometimes I would gather up massive momentum, my fingers flipping around the keys like a jazz pianist: This is the one. This is the one I’m going to publish!
But I didn’t.
I never did.
I just kept hitting “New Draft” and hoping that I’d think of something worth publishing tomorrow. Because what if someone read it and said, “She’s so self-involved,” or, “Who’s she trying to be?” or, “I don’t even have that cheese in my supermarket…”

Somewhere between the new life and the old life I started changing, and I was terrified to take people along for that ride because they might not like it.

When I was in my 20s, I was known for being the girl who didn’t give an eff what you thought. And I’d tell ya, too. I’d tell ya drunk, I’d tell ya sober, I’d tell ya at brunch, I’d tell ya in the produce section. I wasn’t mean. I just knew what I liked and what I didn’t like, and people liked that about me. And frankly…I liked that about me. Somewhere along the lines, though, as I got older, I noticed one or two people who didn’t like that about me. And even though it was only one or two, they became the only voices I heard. So I tried my best to mimic them in a great psychological attempt to make them happy and make them love me.
Obviously, I didn’t succumb entirely to Pseudo Erin. I found my way back to her in moments here and there. But not with my blog. Keyboard Quarterbacks are waaaay to loud and waaaay to anonymous, and they’d never actually say it to my face. There’s no way to defend myself. It got too real and too scary.

Why would anyone care what I have to say?

Recently, I’ve decided not to care anymore. There’s a good chance people won’t like what I have to say. There’s a good-er chance people won’t like that I won’t always listen to what they have to say. I don’t care if my shoes don’t match my outfit or if my eye makeup looks like a 4-year-old did it or if people are irritated by my cheerful attitude. So why would I care if I write stuff no one reads or no one likes if it came from my soul?! I’m not going to care anymore.

(But I’d really appreciate it if you only wrote nice things about my blog and also gave me a hint about those wings everybody does with their liner now…)

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