Thank You – A Stream-of-Consciousness Rant

I am a good person. I am. I’ll say it out loud without a shred of modesty. I care about people, I give, I receive, I contribute, I honor, I serve. I laugh at jokes that aren’t funny.
I’m also a person. A human one. Which is why I’m looking around on a daily basis asking, “WTF? Bad things should NOT happen to me or the people I love because I AM A GOOD HUMAN PERSON.”
I didn’t get the job. After Bear lost his job, my interviewers cited my lack of experience as it relates to the position, which to me means that I haven’t worked outside the home in almost 6 years, so I’m lookin’ like a risk… That job, while still a few months off, would have offered us such stability. It would have been a beacon. “Just hold on until August.” We would have had a mantra. At the very least…a mantra.
It is so damn easy to lose your faith when God doesn’t give you what you want when you want it. I mean…I pray. I meditate. So…why can’t I haaaaaave it?
Why do we have to be staring down our rising debt and our withering savings after FINALLY getting to a place where we were financially stable after buying our first (and, god-willing, last) home?
Why did we have to get married (and pay for it) in the middle of this gaping hole in income?
Why does starting our own business cost so much freaking money?!

I’ll be totally honest…I’m feeling pretty blame-y. There have been people and things we welcomed into our lives that have hurt us, literally stolen from us, and changed what should have been a beautiful time to a terrifying (for me) time. And I’m mad at those people and things. I BLAME them.
And, of course, that’s stupid. Blaming anyone or anything is a complete waste of time. So, starting now, I’m trying something different.

gee-thanksI’m going to try to start saying, “Thank you.”

Yes, yes, thank you for our house and our health and our love and our children, etc. etc. etc. But bigger, deeper, crappier…thank you for this experience.
Thank you for this stupid, I hate this, this sucks experience. Thank you for pushing us out in a boat towards the open sea and letting us drift so far from shore that we don’t even know when we might get home. Thank you for trusting us with this giant unknown.

I’m trying to give myself some space to be with the fear of the unknown. I’m trying not to run away from it with my constant need to work and move and do. (I’m failing a lot of the time.) I’m trying to go for a walk with the unknown so that I can be reminded that it wont actually kill me.

I’m sill fairly certain it’s going to kill me.

But still. Thank you for the experience. Thank you for what it’s here to teach me.
And please speed up the lesson. I am tired and I reeeeeeally want my husband to feel appreciated at work and my children to know that yes, we can go out to dinner instead of eating in again.
No, no. No, seriously. Thank you. Thank you for this opportunity. I am truly grateful.
(And stop it.)

I recognize that life’s big disappointments are just sign posts showing us a better way. I’ve had HUGE disappointments in my life, but they’ve all led me to the greatest love I’ve ever known. The pain and the fear are here to show us a different way. Right? Because if happiness and joy were the catalysts for ANY kind of reasonable and worthy change, we’d definitely choose those. But they aren’t. We stop touching the flame when it burns. We stop moving in certain direction when we’re scared.

Thank you for moving us. Thank you for using the fear and the disappointment to show us something better. We will find it, the “something better”, if we just keep moving. Or maybe if we stop moving. “Be still and know?”
I have no idea.
I mean, that’s just the truth.
I really have no idea…

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