Today I stayed in bed most of the day. I didn’t want to get up and do anything. Lots of life circumstances, including my son being on a trip with his daddy and finishing my work early today, left me feeling kinda worthless and sad. And then I began beating myself up for feeling sad. So…downhill from there.
I think it’s important to talk about self-worth, and be honest about the fact that there are huge chunks of time during which I don’t have any. I hear so often that people are proud of me for my positivity and the way I handle things, and I can honestly say that I am more often than not a positive person. But I have more than enough of my share of the voices in my head that scream, “I’m not enough. I’m not worthy. I’m just a big fake. And everyone knows it.”
I tend to do things all at once. If I’m going to clean the house, I will spend 8 hours cleaning the whole thing all at once. I run all my errands for the whole week in one day. I also experience fast and strong periods of time when my self-esteem tanks. It’s usually triggered by one simple thing and I can almost watch myself from afar spiral down into despair. I’m improving on these experiences; they’re not happening as often or lasting as long. But they still happen, and I still struggle. I can easily spend an entire day in bed wondering why I even concern myself with trying to be a good and productive person because “there’s no point.”
Life probably isn’t meant to be one long Self-Worth Party. It’s natural to have highs and lows. But when I read other people’s blogs or articles about choosing to live a conscious and positive life, I sometimes feel like I’m weird or wrong for not feeling that way ALL of the time. I feel embarrassed that I have these days and I really want someone else to say, “Hey! No sugar-coating, no fixing it, no 5-step plan to un-spiraling a bad day. Some days are just bad. And I have them, too. Get up and try again tomorrow.
I have bad days. I think about giving up on all my dreams, I assume everyone hates me, I figure all this knowledge I have is useless. I usually eat a lot of chips and drink a lot of coffee. I listen to the words, “Never good enough” repeat over and over again in my head. I rarely leave the house.
I also always come out of these bad days thanks to a friend, a funny TV show, or a good night’s sleep. And now that I know I can always come out of them, the experience of a really bad day is not as scary when the crash ensues. Eventually I will be able to get up and keep walking. I will let go of the thing or things that started my crash and refocus on what lifts me up, what brings me joy.
But my point is that I want you to know if you have those days, they’re normal. If they last more than a day or two, you ought to find some help, but having an hour or a day here and there wherein you feel helpless and hopeless happens to all of us. Being a strong, positive, conscientious person doesn’t mean it’s always sunshine and roses. Life WILL come along and smack you in the face (or leg) eventually and you won’t even see it coming. The important thing is remembering these days do end.
Today, an ex-client of mind (who happens to be a really good friend) sent me a note telling me she thinks I’m great. It was that one little comment she made that suddenly began turning my day around for me. I’m so grateful she did that, and it made me want to reach out and do it for someone else because you simply can’t know when someone is sliding down the slip’n’slide of sadness. So in case it’s you, bad days are normal. Feeling zero self-worth for a minute is normal. Sadness is normal. Wanting to wallow around in it is normal. It’s ok. And if you can’t snap yourself out of it, reach out and ask someone to help you. Reach out and ask me to help you.