I Don’t Wanna Change the World

9e2d77ffad0cbb41e8344de500c24fbdOk people, long story short, about a week ago I commented on a blog written by Bryan Reeves. I expressed my complete confusion as to how to begin to take the next steps in my professional life post-divorce, and how I have to argue with myself everyday about doing this whole grown-up dating thing. He wrote me back and a conversation began, first in the comments and then over email. I was blown away that he was even talking to me. Eventually, he offered me a free coaching session (he’s a life coach) and I immediately accepted after doing a brief tango with a giant stuffed dog named Roscoe.
My coaching session with Bryan was yesterday and it was…well…in a word: REALLY EFFING FANTASTIC! In such a simple way, he whittled away all the What-Ifs and I-Can’ts and I-Don’t-Knows and showed me what was left. He helped me take a little journey from head to heart and to understand (repeat this one moms!): it’s no selfish to follow my heart, nor is it anyone else’s decision what’s in my heart. This is an easy thing to SAY, but he eloquently guided me to specific plans of action that would help me live it.
He helped me admit, out loud, that I don’t want to be a revolutionary. Damnit, I don’t want to change the world. I don’t want to hurt anybody, nor sit around like a lonely mushroom all day doing nothing. But I don’t feel a need to make my every move an EPIC one that aims to make waves they feel all the way in China. I have always felt outside pressure to be something really big, and the harder I reached for “bigness,” the further from it I floated. And so, when he asked me what lights me up, I decided this time to answer honestly: theatre lights me up. Watching cartoons in bed with my son lights me up. Gardening and weeding and other forms of yard work light me up. Blogging lights me up. Cooking dinner for the people I love lights me up.
“So do those things,” he said.
“But I’m not making money when I do those things. I’m not helping anybody. I’m not changing the world. It’s selfish.”
“Does it make you feel whole and alive when you do those things?” he asked.
“How do you expect to help anybody if you aren’t whole and alive first?!”
“Damnit. Damnit, Bryan. Good point.”
I said that a lot on this phone call.
But suddenly, it occurred to me how different life might look now if I had only made some of these realizations sooner. If I’d met Bryan sooner, changed big parts of my life sooner. I slithered into the past and handpicked a bunch of regrets, sharing with Bryan that it was so hard not to wonder what life might be like……if only.
That’s when Bryan shared an old proverb with me. “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago.”
Great,” I snarked.
“But…” he continued after I realized I’d just interrupted him,”…the SECOND best time to plant a tree is today.”
Yeah, it took me a minute, too. But his point was simply that if I could only plant a tree 20 years ago, I most definitely would because it would be the best time. Since that’s not possible, I’ll have to plant it today. I will have to begin living from my heart, learning how to be the fullest expression of myself this very day. Because it would be very easy to continue on living life for another 10 years, wishing I could’ve have done things differently, only to realize I’d passed up yet another 10 years of “living real”. So I might as well start today.
And I am starting today. I spent time in the garden. I’m auditioning for a show on Sunday. I’m planning some meals for Abe and my friends and I this week. Oh, and I’m blogging right now. My heart is all swelled-up big. These little things fill me up, make me feel good. They’re not world-changing feats. They’re simple things, really. That’s my big dream: simple. Simple and happy.
A very, very special thank you to Bryan for giving me his crazy-valuable time. I am feeling incredible today, like I don’t HAVE to conquer the world! I feel full of love and life and clarity about where to go next…straight to my heart. How simple life can be. If you yourself are interested in working with the seriously amazing Bryan Reeves, I would DEFINITELY recommend emailing him!! Check out his website and drop him a line: bryan@managingthemagic.com
P.S. Bryan didn’t even pay me for saying that! 🙂

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