Eff off. You do a burpee. (Part 2)

I live with 2 of my best friends, so I was a little worried about starting The 21-Day Fix at home. I mean, it’s embarrassing to pee your pants in front of people you love. But it turned out to be amazing on my first day.
MaryBeth (one of the bestie/roommates) stood behind me for the entire 30 minute workout while I did ridiculous things to my body. She said encouraging things like:
“Your legs look absolutely amazing.”
“Wow, honey, your form is perfect.”
“You look so much better than that other woman; she looks like she’s going to fall apart any second.”
And while she did, I shouted things like:
“Oh, really, just 30 more seconds? Why don’t you go $&# $*#&* *$@ yourself.”
“Yeah, I’ll just jump right into the next round you stupid #*&@(  $#@  &$#.”
“Really? REALLY? DO A FULL MINUTE OF BURPEES?! Eff off. You do a burpee, you bikini model $##  *#%@….”
(Somehow cursing at her helped.) Whilst I shouted, MaryBeth (like a true friend) totally had my back:
“Right, she’s an idiot. Don’t listen to her.”
“Please, she’s on drugs. I’m flicking her off.”
“What the hell is a burpee? Why would they name an exercise that?”
I screamed at the woman in the video and called her names and told her how UNBELIEVABLY stupid her workouts are, all while pushing through and continuing to jump, squat, and hold my body in ridiculous positions. As soon as it was over, MaryBeth shouted, “Oooo! Let’s take your blood pressure with  my heart rate monitor!” Because that sounded fun. My heart rate got up to 170 but my blood pressure was a beautiful 102/68. It felt good to finish, like I’d accomplished something. I collapsed on the couch to take a Skype call for work (which was hilarious in and of itself, trying to catch my breath for an hour while taking notes and brainstorming future offerings). As soon as my call was over, I stood up to make myself some lunch.
(I use “stood up” lightly. What I mean is that I slowly inched off the couch, wound my body around until I was in an upright position, and shuffled like a 98-year-old woman who’d just been in a car accident, holding on to every wall and surface I could find just to get to the refrigerator.)
IMG_3725pp_w775_h581This brings me to the meal plan. They send you these little, teeny, tiny tupperwares with the program. Each one is a different color representing a food group. Veg, fruits, proteins, fats, etc. You get to eat a certain amount of each tupperware everyday, filling them as full as you want to with the foods that are acceptable on the program. I am a pretty healthy eater as it is, so choosing the right foods wasn’t hard. But I took one look at those dinky little containers and started my cursing all over again. “Seriously? My lunch has to fit into these THIMBLES?!”
“Oh my God, honey, you’re never going to make it,” MaryBeth said encouragingly.
“Which one is for Oreos?” I asked.
“Um…maybe the blue one? Let’s crush them up in the NutriBullet and see how many we can fit in there.”
It was really confusing at first. Can I put flax seed in my smoothie if it fits in the blue one? But then I can’t have anymore nuts today? Do I have to chop the chicken to fit it in the red one or can I just shove it in there until it fits? “How can I effectively cheat here?” was really the question I was asking.
But in all honesty, the containers held more food than I anticipated. My lunch was a ribeye salad, the salad part being a bag of mixed veg and kale I picked up at the grocery store. I added some ranch dressing (only enough to fill the orange container) and lemon juice and it was a really good lunch. It wasn’t that hard once I started doing it and realizing that my issue is not eating the right foods…it’s eating the right AMOUNT of the right foods. Because ladies and gentlemen, almonds are very good for you as long as you don’t sit down and eat 45 of them. (Who knew?)
I’m ready to reclaim my body and mind from ShitStorm 2013. It is not going to be easy and/or fun here in the beginning. As my friend pointed out, today I am walking like a drunk pregnant woman. But it’s Day 2 and I already finished my Upper Body workout. I can do anything for 30 minutes, and most anything for 21-days. I’m going to keep you all updated here and there with my progress and, by the end, I’m sure I’ll work up the nerve to share my before and after photos. Tomorrow, I’ll share with you why I decided to get back on the BeachBody.com wagon instead of joining a gym. And no, I’m not going to sell you anything. Relax. I just want you to know how the BeachBody business actually changed my life last week and inspired me to refocus. And other cliches as well…

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