Dear TV

Dear TV,

I don’t know how you work, exactly. I don’t really care. It’s 2012 and I feel like I know more than everyone who does know how you work about what people like me want. So I’m going to share with you what the general population feels:

I want to be able to watch TV shows. I want to be able to watch them when I want without special pieces of equipment or expensive subscriptions.
When I get the bill in my email (because I don’t need you to mail it to my house), I don’t want to be surprised or disappointed. I definitely don’t want to call you. In fact, I don’t ever want to talk to you.
I don’t want to pay for shows I would never watch. I care not for Honey Boo Boo or people whose lives are controlled by the moldy newspaper from 1983 they keep in their shower because they never know when they might, “need it.” I am not interested in TV shows about housewives, basketball wives, or mob wives. No wives, really. And I never, EVER, want to watch any kind of game show. (Unless it’s Wheel of Fortune, because I’m incredibly good at that game and it raises my self-esteem.)
I’m not interested in having two television shows at once on one TV screen or starting a show in the living room and finishing it in the bedroom. I don’t care about how many boxes come with my “plan” and I just want a remote control with an up and a down.
I don’t want another antennae, a digital converter, satellite dish, or an excavator. (I realize that you, TV, have no control over that last one but I couldn’t think of what you call the box thing that attaches to the side of my house that hisses at me when I consider opening it to see your soul.)

Here’s what I do want:
I just want to watch TV.
I want the ability to pay for only the shows I want to watch whenever I feel like watching them. With the TOUCH of a BUTTON. I want it to be so easy that my MOTHER can do it. I know you have the ability to make this happen and still make a crap-ton of money. We can send things to Mars and dive so far down into the ocean that the fish look like night lights. You can figure this out.

Is this a petty problem? Hell to the yes it is. And I don’t care how Snobby First World Housewife I sound (which, btw, someone should produce that show, Snobby First World Housewives). But someone figured out how to get me any song I want to listen to anytime I want to hear it. Please do it with TV so those of us who are visual can experience the same joy as our tune-loving friends.

Jumping the Shark,

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