Abe was up for a majority of the night last night not feeling well. It’s been about 3 months since we’ve had a sleepless night in this house. While I tried to fall back asleep after another episode of screamy fury, I began to hear phantom cries. I was immediately transported to this time last year. I completely forgot how phantom cries used to rule my life. Every bird. Every door creak. Every whiny spiggot sounded like a baby crying. Wind sounded like babies crying.
I thought about how different my life was a year ago in other ways. Abe couldn’t walk yet and was barely starting to crawl. I fed him every meal and nursed him in between. I took a change of my clothes, his clothes, extra diapers, wipes, teething tablets, mylicon, clip-on toys, pacifiers, his blanket, his stuffed hippo, a nursing cover, and a bottle with me everywhere I went. My husband and I had sleep shifts. Abe took 2 naps a day so I had 3 short windows for which to run any and all errands. I couldn’t leave him on a bed, couch, or chair unattended. Baby Einstein was my babysitter. He had no teeth and peed through his diaper every. single. night.
It’s so amazing what can change in a year.
And now that I’m staring down the barrel of 2, I can confidently say that I am so much more comfortable with a 2-year-old than an infant. I understand him, I know him. As fast as this last year has gone by, I realize that the next 3 will be a blink and he will be in school.
This week I was offered a full-time temporary position at a local high school. The job is in my field, one that I have been wishing for and praying for since I moved here. As I shared the good news with friends and family, it slowly dawned on me how much my life will be changing. How much of Abe’s life I would potentially miss. How I will never get these years back. While the job I currently hold is not in my field and not what I saw myself doing at 30 years old, it fills me and gives me the freedom to be with my son. Suddenly, my blessed life was re-illuminated. Here I am, not where I thought I’d be, and exactly where I want to be. NEVER in my life did I think I would turn down a job I earned a graduate degree for, but I always knew I would choose my family first.
So that’s what I did this week. I turned down my dream job in favor of my dream family. I have to believe that there are more dream jobs in my future. But I only have now. And now I need to go to bed so I can wake up tomorrow and spend the day with my son.