July 2017 archive

On Saying No…(Yes.)

“‘No’ is a complete sentence.” – Oprah Winfrey

I tell people to say no. I remind them. “It’s ok to say no!” And isn’t it just the most tangly web when we tell other people what we ought to be doing?
The problem is I don’t even realize when I start yessing myself to death. Most of us don’t. We say yes to helping, to trying, to fixing, to going, to staying, to reading… We’re exhausted and out of time and proudly wearing the “I Do Everything” badge and we cannot for the LIFE of us figure out when we’ll be nominated for the Nobel ISayYes Prize while we’re finishing up that favor for that one woman we met at church one Sunday and simultaneously texting our girlfriend to let her know we’ll watch her kids on Christmas Eve.

Ok so maybe it’s not that bad.

But it’s bad.

So why don’t we say no?
1. We don’t want people to be mad.
If you’re like me, you feel very, very uncomfortable when anyone is anything but pleased with you. You don’t want to say, “No” to someone in case it might upset them and you don’t want to deal with someone being upset because it makes you feel like poop.

2. We want people to like us.
This is different from not wanting them to be mad. We want them to think we’re great and fun and likeable. We want them to think we’re good.

3. We feel valued when we’re busy.
Every time someone asks us to do something, it’s like a high. It’s another thing to do and having things to do makes us feel valuable. Besides. We’re not worthy when we’re napping…

I was listening to author Cheryl Strayed discuss this idea with Oprah and O said she turned into a bank when she became a celebrity. Her family no longer talked to her like a person; they talked to her like a transaction. And it was really difficult for her to explain why she wouldn’t be funding their every wish and solving their every financial problem. It hurt her to say no! And so, she didn’t have relationships with her family members for over TEN YEARS!!!

Eventually, she decided to tell each of them what she WANTED to give them, she gave them each the amount she wanted to give, and that was it. They could ask for money all they wanted but they knew from that point forward she would say no.
That made some of them mad.
Some of them didn’t like her anymore.
Oprah felt less valuable.

I get you, Oprah.

This doesn’t even scratch the surface of the importance of saying YES! I mean if figuring out when to say no isn’t enough…
But O went on to say, “I know what a real yes feels like now. It feels awesome. It feels exciting. It feels like a hell yes!”

Do you remember the last time you gave a hell yes? When the yes felt so right, so GOOD, that you couldn’t wait to say it??
Did you know that you’re allowed to feel that way every time you say yes?! And that if you don’t feel hell yes, you don’t actually owe anyone an explanation for your no???
Not your friends.
Not your family. (UGH)
Not your pastor.
Not your neighbor.
Not a perfect stranger.

When to say yes:
When it’s a HELL YES.
When the yes feels good.
When the person you’re saying yes to is worth the yes.

When to say no:
When it’s inconvenient.
When it doesn’t feel right or good.
When your first reaction is a no but you talk yourself into a yes.

How do you know when it’s a yes and when it’s a no for you? Have you noticed lately?
Yes?
No?