I’m on a quest to regain myself. To take control of what goes into my body and what my body does on a daily absis. I want to reintroduce myself to…myself. I’m talking spiritually, physically, and mentally. I’m reading books, going to the YMCA, and this week, participating in a cleanse* with my husband. And because I’m assuming this will lead to magnificent revelations about life, or at the very least vomiting in a Zumba class, I’m sharing. It’s what I do.
Day 1 of the cleanse
7am – Weigh myself. 113lbs. (Before all the normal-sized women start throwing a fit, I’m 5’0″ tall – with shoes on – and you could fit my ankles through a garden hose. I’m a small person and that doesn’t mean I don’t need to lose weight. I was 105 pre-baby. And some of my pre-pregnancy jeans still don’t fit. There.)
8am – Drink green tea. I hate green tea. I miss coffee.
9am – Frantically call the local natural food store the minute they open to order my green drink for the day. Bob, the juice bar guy, is very helpful and kind considering the state I’m in (so hungry I can barely string a sentence together).
9:10am – Drive to the natural food store to get juice. My son is none too happy about this, as it is his nap time. He’s loud.
9:20am – $18 later, 2 giant green drinks in hand, and I’m drinking. Fast. Because I’m hungry.
9:22am – Someone cuts me off and one of my big plastic cups of green drink falls over. I bend over until I reach it and pick it up with minimal spillage. It was shocking how little I lost considering how hard I slammed on the brakes. I shouted only loud enough so Abe could hear, “YOU MADE ME SPILL MY GREEN DRINK” because any louder and the person who cut me off would likely have flipped me off, called me a hippy and told me to go Occupy Jacksonville. Only after I replaced it in the cup holder did I realize I’d just spend nearly 20 seconds without even being eye level with the windshield so that I could “Save the Green Juice.”
9:30am – I snack on seeds and nuts and green drink. I’d like some coffee. And a cinnabon.
11:00am – I have some fruit with my green drink. I’m actually feeling good.
12:00pm – It’s lunch time and to be honest, I’m not hungry. Going to wait a while until I am.
1:00pm – Heating up homemade vegetable and sprouted bean soup. Delicious. Not hungry but shoving it in.
3:00pm – Take Abe to the doctor for a shot. This isn’t part of the cleanse but he was so upset with the nurse that she brought him stickers and a toy to help calm him down. He looked at her like, “Really, lady? You shoot some deadly form of disease into my leg and stickers should fix it?”
4:00pm – More nuts. More fruit. I’m out of green drink. More nuts.
6:00pm – Zumba class. I should have had more soup before I left the house. I’m starving and I look completely ridiculous trying to mamba or salso or whatever dance this is. I’d like a hamburger.
7:15pm – I steam green beans and mushrooms and eat them with fruit and nuts. I try having an intelligent conversation with my husband. We both give up and watch TV.
9:30pm – I’m tired and going to bed, but I surprisingly don’t feel all that badly for having eaten sticks and berries all day long. Though, I do wish I could have some popcorn. And a cinnabon.
*My husband and I are on a cleanse prescribed by our nutritionist. We’re following his strict advice and speak with him daily. What I’m saying is: Don’t try this at home.